Passion Fashion on Borleias
by beo-go-deo
Summary: Jag, Kyp and Kyp battle it out for Jaina's heart in a dating show where Jaina will choose a winner based on their taste in women's clothing? That definitely sounds like the legendary Irish dating show, Paisean Fasiean.


I've got a good few notes for this one. Disclaimer first.

I don't own Star Wars, and I'm not making any money from this. Also don't own Paisean Fasiean (That's Irish for Passion Fashion), and I'm not sure who does. It's on TG4 anyway.

This isn't a story to take seriously.

It's modelled after an Irish show on teilifis na Gaeilge. Obviously here it's in English, so none of the cool lines that the presenter comes out with really come across. All you need to know is they rhyme in Irish.

This is set on Borleias, during the Yuuzahan Vong war, so Enemy Lines timeframe, before Jaina and Jag hook up. For the purposes of the show, Jaina, Jag, Kyp and Wes don't know each other.

* * *

Presenter : (smiles and gushes) Hello and welcome to this very special edition of Passion Fashion! This week we are coming to you straight from the beautiful planet of Borleias, where our brave military are fighting diligently against the latest danger threatening our glamorous galaxy! 

On the show we have three handsome fighter pilots who will battle for the chance to win our stunning cailin's heart - withoutactually meeting her. After viewing a short holo of her, they will go shopping and select an outfit for her, one that they believe shows off their personality best, and of course their shopping skills. The winner will take her out to dinner tomorrow night! So lets meet this week's dazzling diva!

Camera shows three snapshots of Jaina Solo.

The first, her leaning against the wing of her X-wing in her jumpsuit.

The second is Jaina working on her X-wing in her tasteful orange jumpsuit,

And the last Jaina Solo chatting to her wingmate – wearing her jumpsuit.

Cut to presenter outside Jaina's quarters, door opens and a bleary eyed Jaina answers

Presenter : Welcome to the show, Jaina! Nervous? Excited? Scared? We have three excited contestants ready and waiting to win your heart!

Jaina : It'd better not be that Twi'lek creep that tried to chat me up yesterday!

Presenter : You sound like you have lots of experience in that field!

Jaina : Um…not really, no.

Presenter : Well that's all about to change! Take us through your wardrobe Jaina.

They cross the room to Jaina's wardrobe, and she opens it. The presenter takes a step back in shock

Presenter : It's, Well, empty.

Jaina : No it's not! Look, this is my good suit! Pulls identical jumpsuit from door of wardrobe

Presenter : ….

Jaina : And look! Points to floor I wear that working out, and there's my other jumpsuit, and over there by my bed is my Jedi robe.

Presenter : It's all, well, brown. Or orange. (Shudders as she looks at jumpsuit)

Jaina : This is black. Holds up a pair of running pants

Presenter : Have you got anything not standard issue?

Jaina looks around and points at her Jedi robe.

Presenter : Right, moving on. What do you look for when you're out shopping?

Jaina : Well, it's got to have some camouflage element, unless it's a jumpsuit of course, and I need to be able to run, and fight in it naturally.

Presenter : Right. Are you a fan of sparkles? Glitter?

Jaina : Are you mad? Can't stand them!

Presenter: Do you prefer skirts or dresses?

Jaina : Can't say I have a favourite.

Presenter: Well, what do you look for in a man?

Jaina: Well, naturally, he's gotta be able to fly. And fight. And take a punch. And he's gotta have enough spine to stand up to my dad. And-

Presenter: In looks, Jaina.

Jaina: Oh. I never thought about it really. Isn't this meant to be a blind date? So it's irrelevant.

Presenter (Through gritted teeth): Small. Talk. Familiar with the concept?

Jaina: Oh. I guess. Nice weather we're having, isn't it?

Presenter: (sighs and up comes another annoyingly perfect smile.) I think it's time to leave Jaina for now and go meet the boys!

Classy, catchy music comes on, and we see Presenter walking down the corridor outside Jaina's quarters.

Presenter: Well, that was our dashing diva, now lets meet this weeks contestants!

Voice Over: Our first contestant is from the dreamy planet of Csilla, and he likes long walks on the beach, polishing his medals and meeting your parents! Yes, ladies, it's Colonel Jagged Fel!

Even classier, catchier music takes over and camera throws up three snapshots of Jag.

The first is Jagged in his full black uniform, saluting the camera, his clawcraft in the background.

The second, Jag posing again with a hand on his clawcraft and his chest puffed out

The third, Jag looking terribly busy and important, consulting with Shawnkyr.

Camera pans down Jag's body, then up to his face. He tosses his hair from his face and says "Hey"

Voice over: My ladies, are you in for a treat today! Our second contestant is none other than Jedi Master Kyp Durron!

Music becomes faster, more intense and Kyp's snapshots appear

First, Kyp climbing into his X-wing, not paying the slightest bit of attention to the camera,

The second Kyp walking through the docking bay, oblivious to the stares of two pretty Blackmoon girls,

And the third, Kyp dressed only in a pair of trousers, working out in the gym

Voice Over: So there you have him, ladies. He likes protato, working out in the gym and, as we found out, hates camera men!

Camera pans his body, and focuses on his face, which is beetroot red. He manages a nod in the direction of the camera.

Voice Over: (sounding a little annoyed by the lack of enthusiasm) Our final contestant today is from the lovely Taanyab, and likes hot bubble baths and running through fields of daises! Yes, it's Captain Wes Janson of the Yellow Aces!

The music, unsure of which direction to take, becomes both romantic and cheerful at the same time. Well, it tries to anyway.

First snapshot is Wes, grinning like a nine year old, with a tub of ice cream in front of him, Hobbie Klivain looking on in despair.

The second one is Wes pretending (We hope) to make out with Lieutenant Kettch

The third is Wes, at night time, wearing only red boxers and an open yellow dressing gown, sneaking from a Rogue Squadron dorm.

Camera pans his body, and Wes gives it a sultry look before grinning broadly and saying, "Ladies."

Presenter: Welcome to Passion Fashion boys! So how are you feeling? Excited? Nervous?

Wes: Fan-tab-ulous! This is gonna be fun!

Presenter: Sure sweetie(she gives him an understanding look and turns away from him) So, Kyp, got any experience in the fashion area?

Kyp: Do I honestly look like a person who knows about fashion?

She surveys his shabby brown Jedi robe and un-polished boots.

Presenter: Well, no.

Kyp: Got it in one!

She turns to Jag, slightly put out. So Jagged, reckon you have a chance of winning?

Jag: I have indeed analysed the competition and competitors and believe that I shall prove successful, yes.

Presenter: Did you get any help from anywhere?

Jag: Well, I holo-mailed my mother for fashion tips and ideas for shopping for women's clothes...

Presenter: Well? Did she have any ideas?

Jag: My father received the message. It wasn't pleasant. I'd rather not discuss it.

Presenter: Oh, I see. Your father wouldn't be the sensitive type I take it?

Jag: That's correct.

Presenter: Well, we'll see what we can do to his son!

(Jag suddenly looks very nervous) Presenter ignores this and turns back to Wes

So what type of look do you normally go for Wes?

Wes (After considering the question thoughtfully): Well it's got to be backless, naturally. I'm also thinking short skirt, know what I mean? And everybody likes yellow.

Presenter(not knowing whether or not to laugh, decides to move on with the show): Well, the diva in question prepared a little video for you. Let me present this weeks stunner, Jaina.

(She leans forward to turn the holo projector on)

Jag: Do you mind if I take notes?

Presenter: Well I've never seen it done before, but sure, why not.

Jag takes out a pen and notepad, and leans forward. Wes and Kyp also lean forward as the holo begins.

_Hi boys. I'm Jaina. I command a squadron here on Borleias, and I'm known as Goddess, or Great One, or Trickster. Some people call me Sticks too.. My style? I mainly wear jumpsuits and robes-what? _(off screen) _what's not stylish about a jumpsuit? Everyone wears them. That's what fashion is, everyone wearing the same thing. Isn't it?_

_Anyway, I, uh, like red I guess. And blue. And black. And brown. I dunno really, _(off screen)_ what colour suits me? Well that's helpful. Anyway, that's me. Be open minded when shopping for me, but no to open minded. I'll see y'all later!_

Camera turns to Wes, Kyp and Jag.

Kyp: Wowee.

Jag: I know! I'm shocked too!She failed to give a single hint or clue or tip as to what the winner must produce in the entire report!

Wes: I think he meant she's hot.

Jag: Oh. But still, an entire report! And not a single fact! If she had any Imperial training she -

Wes: Who cares? She's hot.

Jag sits back, fuming

Presenter: Well, I hope that will help you with your tough decisions. These datachips are vouchers for your respective shops. You must select and outfit that you believe shows off your personality-.

Wes: (Chuckles)

Presenter: -and naturally, takes some hints from the recording. Well, off you go, and happy shopping!

Kyp (mutters): May the force be with us all

-- Commercial Break --

Presenter: Welcome back to this very special edition of Passion Fashion! Lets catch up with Jag, Kyp and Wes as they attempt to woe our Goddess... With their taste in clothes! I think Wes is in here! Camera focuses on the name of the shop, "Nearly Nude".

(Inside) Presenter: Wes!

Wes: Presenter!

Presenter: How are you getting on?

Wes: Fantastic! If I had of known that shopping for women was this much fun I'd of done it years ago! So much selection! So much colour! And so little material!

Presenter: I'm glad your enjoying yourself! Have you picked out anything in particular?

Wes: I sure did! I picked out about ten outfits, over there. (He gestures to a small pile of clothing)

Presenter: Not a lot of material for ten outfits! You really weren't kidding were you?

Wes: After today I will never joke about fashion, darling.

Presenter: So what kind of occasions did you pick clothes for?

Wes: She could wear this kind of thing everyday, round the base and I doubt that there would be any objections.

Presenter: You're so thoughtful! Show us what you got then.

Wes: (Holds up some black material)

Presenter: Oh, ha ha, what a pretty belt!

Wes: You see, that's what I thought. But it says on the label that it's a belt! Can you believe that! It's just incredible!

Presenter: Incredible, it is. And you think she should wear it around the base?

Wes: It'd be a revolution!Instead of showing us all those Face Loran movies to "boost morale", she could just stand there! And think of what it would do for recruitment!

Presenter: What else did you find?

Wes: This dress!

Presenter: Wow. It's, well, short. And almost completely backless.

Wes: Not to mention low cut.

Presenter: That's hard to miss.

Wes: And it's Yellow!

Presenter: Even harder to overlook. Have you given any thought to what might suit Jaina, Wes? Certain styles and colours suit certain people you know.

Wes: Oh. Well, will you try it on for, ah, a trial run?

Presenter: Me? But I'm tall and blonde, and Jaina is well, brunette and petite.

Wes: So?

Presenter: You know, I think that's all we have time for here in Nearly Nude! It's time to catch up with Master Durron, see what he's been up to! Happy Shopping, Wes! Bye!

Abandoning all pretence, she sprints from the shop.

* * *

Presenter: Well, that was Wes, who seems to have plenty of ideas! Lets find Kyp, and see how he is getting on! 

(Inside) Presenter is looking around He must be in here somewhere! She searches the shop and stops in front of a large sign with lingerie pointing to the basement. She shrugs and follows it. Kyp is in a dark corner, with his back to the camera.

Presenter: You don't think she'd be a little cold in just that?

Kyp: Ahh! I, eh, (he hides several bras and thongs behind his back) um, I'm just looking at different colour combinations, that's it.

Presenter: Sure you are sweetie. Been down here the whole time?

Kyp: No! I just stumbled upon it now actually. I've been busy looking at, eh, jumpers and stuff

Presenter: Anything catch your eye?

Kyp: Absolutely. Great things, those jumpers.

Presenter: Show us.

Kyp: (sigh) You really don't give up, do you? YoU dOn'T WanT tO sEe ANy juMpeRs!

Presenter: We don't want to see any jumpers.

Kyp: YoU neEd to LeaVe Kyp AloNe!

Presenter: Let's give Kyp and the knickers some alone time.

She wanders out of the shop, banging into the door frame twice before getting out. Just as she leaves, the camera swings back and sees Kyp practising undoing the bra strap on a mannequin

Presenter(Looking slightly dazed): I'm outside Frankly Fashion now, where Jag is working his magic! Lets go and see how close he is to deciding! Enters, to find Jag surrounded in masses of clothes in various styles, all of them with coloured tags around the hangers.

Presenter: You've been busy, Jagged! Did you pick all of these out?

Jag: I sure did. And did you notice anything else?

Presenter: You, you've colour coded them. All of them!

Jag(proudly): Yes I did! Let me explain. The outfits with the green tag are practical, blue tag are comfortable. Pink tag suits Jaina's figure, black tag shows off my personality. Yellow tag means that they are in fashion at the moment. Finally, the red tag means that the outfit in question makes good use of sequins, beads or the likes. I'm rather proud of myself.

Presenter: I can see that. And you've done quite a good job. (She holds a skirt with a yellow, red and pink tag up against herself) Now this I like! You are surprisingly good at this, you know that?

Jag: Yes, I agree with you.

Presenter: Well we will leave you to make your decision. See you later!

Jag: Oh deciding shouldn't be a problem. The Chiss didn't raise me to be indecisive! Bye!

* * *

Presenter: Well, that was Jag, who seems to know what he is doing. We will soon find out whether Jaina agrees! Now, remember, if you liked this show and would like to see the author write more, just leave suggestions of other characters for her in your review, and she will get right to it! You can also e-mail her for details of the show if you would like to write your own. She doesn't bite! I should add that it would be rather pointless to ask her for fashion advice though. She's rather useless on that end. So, lets go to this commercial break and we'll find out who our diva chooses right after! 

--commercial--

Presenter: Welcome back! The boys have decided, which means it's time to welcome Jaina back to the show! How are you Jaina? Excited?

Jaina: I guess.

Presenter: Well, the boys have worked hard all day, and each one has chosen an outfit, which are hanging in the dressing rooms behind us. Are you ready?

Jaina: As ready as I will ever be

Presenter: Well, here's outfit number one!

Duel of the fates comes on and she pushes the door open. Inside is a brown tank top and combats, an orange, brown and cream stripped shirt and a pair of low heeled boots.

Not a bad start, is it?

Jaina(sounding surprised): No, it isn't.

Presenter: Well, get in there and try it on!

(Five minutes later)

Jaina: It fits! And I like it!

Presenter: So what do you think? And what kind of guy do you think would pick this?

Jaina: It's a nice outfit, he obviously put a lot of thought into it. And he picked up some hints from my holo, this is the kind of thing that I would choose for myself.

Presenter: Any negatives?

Jaina: It's very safe.

Presenter: Well, lets find out what the others chose. Here's cabin two!

Cabin door swings open and the cheerful music grinds to a halt. We see Jaina and the Presenter staring in, looking shocked.

Jaina: Well, it certainly is different.

Presenter(Still looking suprised): Very different.

Jaina: I suppose I should try it on.

Presenter: I'm sure it'll look better on...

(After five minutes)

Presenter(who appears to have recovered from the shock) : Well, do you like it?

Jaina: Are you kidding me? My mother wouldn't wear it! It's the most boring thing I've ever tried on. (She looks down at the black trousers with pinstripes, matching jacket and white polo neck and shudders)

Presenter: And what, ah, type of man do you think would choose and outfit like this?

Jaina: Well, he picked a polo neck, so I'm guessing he dislikes chests. The trousers are higher than any I've ever worn, and shapeless, so he obviously dislikes midriffs and legs too. The shoes-she pauses and glances down at the plain black, low heeled footwear- The only word I can find is boring to be honest

Presenter: That's harsh

Jaina: But true.

Presenter: Want to try the next outfit?

Jaina: Sure do. She pushes the door open Wow!

Inside is a short red dress with large yellow polka dots, a pair of skinny jeans and bright green basketball runners.

Jaina: A guy definitely picked this!

Presenter: Well, go try it on!

(Later)

Jaina comes out and twirls

Presenter: You like it then?

Jaina: I do. I'd never, ever in a million years choose it myself, but I like it.

Presenter: What kind of man do you think would choose this outfit?

Jaina: A daring one. Somebody not afraid to a risk, and who hasn't got a clue about fashion, which I'm beginning to think is a good thing.

Presenter: Well, change back into your own clothes and lets meet the buachallli!

* * *

Presenter: Jaina, let me introduce you to...Jagged! 

Jag walks out confidently, presents Jaina with a rose, kisses her hand and stands off to one side with his hands behind his back.

Presenter: Kyp!

A blushing Kyp walks out, gives her an awkward peck on the cheek and stands beside Jag, with his hands in his pockets.

Presenter : And finally...Wes!

Wes strides out, envelops Jaina in a bear hug and goes to stand with Jag and Kyp. He surveys how they are standing and stands with is hands on his hips and chest puffed out.

Presenter: Well, there they are, a little nervous I'm sure, but their job is finished and now it's up to Jaina to decide! Before she does, we are going to have a little chat! You boys wait here!

She grabs Jaina's hand and drags her into the changing room

Presenter: So? What do you think? Who caught your eye?

Jaina: The first one, Jag. Those eyes! That ass! Wowee!

Presenter: And the other two?

Jaina: Kyp seemed nice enough. Wes was a little arrogant though.

Presenter: Well, you; know how it works, you choose the outfit, not the guy! I'll leave you to make your choice. I'll wait with the boys.

Presenter (outside): So how is everybody? Kyp?

Kyp: Fine I guess

Wes: Yup, good.

Presenter: Anybody regretting their choice? Jagged?

Jag: Of course not.

Presenter: You're still confident then?

Jag: I have no reason not to be. I carefully chose an outfit that displays my personality and taste. If she follows the shows directive correctly, how could she not choose me?

Presenter: Mmm, I wonder. What do you two think?

Wes: Is he on something? Or is he always like that?

Kyp: Nope, he's always like that. (They all turn to look at Jag, who either chooses to walk tall or can't come up with a retort)

Wes: (To presenter) If she doesn't pick me, are you free tonight?

Presenter: No.

Wes: Kyp?

Kyp: Not a chance.

Jag: (stiffens, ready with a retort)

Everyone ignores him

Wes: Well, she'd better pick me then! Hmm, maybe I can Jedi myself a little luck...

Presenter: NO! No Jedi powers allowed on the show!

Kyp: He's just kidding, he has less force control than a vornskyr.

Presenter(Takes her hands off her head): Oh. Ok then. Carry on.

Jaina: Can I come out yet?

Presenter: Crap. One sec! (off stage) hit it!

Loud, catchy build up music plays

Presenter: Come on out Jaina!

Loud noise of a door creaking open, and Jaina marches out, smiling

Jag: I demand a recount!

Presenter: Oh, put a sock in it Fel! Jaina! You look fabulous! Doesn't she boys!

(Camera switches to them. Jag is frantically reading over his notebook, muttering to himself)

Kyp: Stunning.

Wes: Ravishing.

Jag: But my calculations!

Presenter: (To camera) We do this bit to build suspense.

Presenter: So, Jaina, what kind of guy do you think would pick this outfit?

Jaina: Someone daring, playful, and not afraid to take a risk. I'm sure that whoever choose it doesn't have a clue about fashion, which after today I think is a good thing. (She eyes Kyp hopefully)

Presenter: (To Kyp and Wes, Jag having wandered off my this point) Would the gentleman who choose this outfit please step forward!

With a massive grin, Wes takes a step forward and poses, as a triumphant fanfare plays in the background.

Jaina: You!

Wes: Me!

Jaina: Not you?

Kyp: Next time, Goddess. Wanders off Boy I need a drink.

Presenter: Well I'm afraid we've come to the end of this special edition of Passion Fashion, I hope you've enjoyed the show, and you can rest assured that there is a little more love in the world! I'm sure Jaina and Wes will have a fablous time on their date! (She looks over at Jaina and Wes, the latter not put out in the slightest at the withering looks Jaina is sending his way.

Presenter: Well, anyway, until next time, we'll be fashionable but it's up to you to be passion-able! Slan!

* * *

Four figures walk up to a military base at sunset on a beautiful jungle planet. Well, one walks, another strutts, another marches purposefully and the other was nearly skipping with happiness. Every so often the one who was skipping tried to put his arm around the first figure who either hit him away or slapped him. She was wearing a red dress with large yellow polka dots. 

The third figure, who was marching along purposefully, found this incredibly funny.

"I still can't believe you picked Janson," Kyp told Jaina intermittently, receiving a glare in return.

"And why wouldn't she pick Janson?" Wes asks, and tries to put his arm around Jaina again, with the same result.

"I still can't believe I lost."

"Jag. It was a dating show! Get over it! If it makes you feel any better, I lost too."

"Ahh, actually Kyp, yours was better than his. Honestly though, Fel, a pinstripe suit, what in the name of the force were you thinking?"

"I deemed it classy, okay! But those tabloids are always calling me a playboy, and I'm one of the most eligible bachelors around. How can they all be so wrong?"

"They call me a misunderstood heart-throb" Kyp put in.

"And me a scheming gold digger, out to get myself a general or two here on Borleias."

"Well, they're right about me!"

"Why, what do they say about you Wes?

"Lots. I'm a disillusioned eternal bachelor with too much time on my hands, and my desperate attempts to get a girlfriend are really pleas for love."

"Oh-kay. As if they could be anything else. What I want to know is why you two agreed to come on the show anyway, not really your thing, especially you, Kyp." She looked up at his questioningly.

"Meh. I needed to get out more." He looks around at them in surprise as they all snigger. "What? It's true! I have a surprisingly boring life! How about you, Jay?"

Jaina scowled. "The first time anyone other than my father has beaten me in sabac, and it just happens to be a game of forefit. I had to do the next thing anybody asked me to do. And you really, really wouldn't like to know what would happen to you if you told me it was a sign, Janson."

They turned the corner to the special ops wing of the base and Jaina stopped outside a turbolift leading to her sleeping quarters.

"Durron, Fel, we are drilling at 0500 hours as usual in the morning. Be there. No excuses."

"As you command, Godess."

"Acknowledged."

"Can I come?"

"No."

"Please?"

Jaina sighed and did her best to slam the automatic door in his face.

Wes grinned.

"I'll take that as a maybe"

* * *

I do realise that I should probally limit my shameless pleas for reviews to one per chapter, so I'll just casually mention how much I **adore **reviews, and how they **make my day. **That's all. 


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